Retribution

I can't help but enjoy reading this tale of delicious retribution. Over and over again. How sweet. The following article was actually taken out in a personals column in an American publication....

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

Tescos bans the pyjama gang

I must admit, as I drive through Birkenhead on the way to work, I never fail to be highly amused and entertained by the shockingly dressed lazy chavs in their pjs and rotting fake ugg boots. It's like driving through the set of 'Shaun of the Dead' each morning! What Sir Terry Lehay should be doing now is bringing out a range of specially designed Tesco's pyjamas with little pockets sewn in all over them for things like pay-as-you-go mobile phones, 10 packs of cheap cigarettes, a rolled up copy of the latest Elizabeth Duke jewellery catalogue, bottles of Frosty Jack cider (or Special Brew for the 'gents') and, of course, a special pocket for their extensively used and well-thumbed benefits books. Maybe they could be finished in a nice off-white terry towelling effect with black arrows on them! Far from banning these lazy muppets from the store, he should be encouraging them in and making some money out of them. It also gives me something to laugh at whilst I'm choosing my cheese. There is a chance of course, that it might not be utter, utter laziness that keeps these folks in their pyjamas all day, maybe they only stay in their pyjamas for convenience sake because they spend so much time trying to reproduce more of their own kind.